@ 9:14 PM

For my grandfather: I hope this message will reach you, even if the manner of words are nowhere near how I write them now, or the time as relevant. If it reaches you someday when the culmination of our existence are in the past, then I know exactly where you are: in my heart, as near as the wind now unseen, forever felt.

I am not certain when we met or how; does it even matter? Memories are sacred windows where you can watch time go by and see so much. When my mom was a roaring teenager, she used to stare at the door for the exact moment you came in from work so she could give you your house slippers. Now, we both know that this scene ends with her asking you for money to buy bubble gum pink nail polish, and later on to ask you for permission to date my dad. She was so in love, she tells me years later. I am what my mom's age was, and though I like to think that I know everything about life, I still learn so much from her.

Thank you for raising her the way you did. She is everything I can ask for in a mother. During the harsh winter in New York before I came into this world, I can picture a scene of her 21 year old self, young and still naive about this world, hand on her belly waiting for me to say hello. I can picture her as she took me home for the first time, perhaps grateful to you and grandma for bringing her life to experience what is to become her longest and most important job- motherhood.

Thank you for saying yes to my father, as he asked you for your daughter's hand in marriage, for accepting him into the family, for letting her cease to become your little girl. That must be one of the toughest things a father ever has to do. When the time comes, I know my dad will do the same for me. When the time comes, I can only hope that he will look back into the past (with you in mind), see everything you have ever done for Mama, and find the faith to let me go.

Thank you for the Sundays when we visited, and the days in between. Thank you for the summer day ice cream flavors, the jokes, the laughter, the protective hugs. From day one of our lives until the last day of yours, I am certain that you embrace that growing feeling of love for us, though nowadays, you might not remember much.

Thank you for your courage to sail the deep seas, despite it taking you so far away from home. I would not be here, sitting here, with so much of an open,wide road in my vision, if not for that risk that you were willing to take. Maybe I took after you with the faith that no matter how incalculable the distance is from home, I will always find my way back.

I wish I could be there to smile upon you now, even if you are in your death bed, and I am at the beginning of my life. Thank you, I love you, and I will always remember you.

Labels: contemplation, family