Throwing Up Words

4.29.2009

I wish I was a heartbeat that never comes to rest @ 11:38 PM

Run Lola Run:

Mankind, probably the most mysterious species on our planet. A mystery of open questions. Who are we? Where do we come from? Where are we going? How do we know what we believe to know? Why do we believe anything at all? Innumerable questions looking for an answer, an answer which will raise the next question and the following answer will raise a following question and so on and so forth. But in the end, isn't it always the same question and always the same answer?

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What is the answer?

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time-.T.S. Eliot

It scares me always on the first occasion that I remember that time is fleeting. Could this be the reason that I lose myself in photographs? paintings? Capture the rapture through the aperture. Maybe this is the answer.

Labels: contemplation, Random

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4.27.2009

There is beauty around you @ 12:44 AM

Time off.
One can only BS so much for a proposal of an 8 page essay about a topic you know so little about. Interesting, nonetheless.
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There is beauty around you. A bougainvillea laden path may be the most beautiful thing on this side of the block, but remember that someone, sometime ago, planted its seeds, cultivated its growth for you. for you. for you.

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Photo of Garfield, at 3 months old?
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I used to sleep for days, unhindered, uninhibited by feelings of guilt about getting too much rest. These days I find myself waking up before the call of my alarm, before the full morning sunshine begins to burn my feet, and every ray of reflection against the mirror not having the chance to stay steady without my interruption.

Something is changing. Something is happening, stirring my insides to the point that I can barely find reason to stay asleep. As if the day promises something that dreams cannot.

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Labels: Random, Self

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4.25.2009

New Soul, Time is the Artist @ 4:35 PM

Things change. We bend and mold to life's dynamic chimeras of every imaginable circumstance.

Time paints on a once blank canvas since the beginning of life- layering, erasing, mixing colors and entities that change the image so little, yet reinvents the meaning of the whole- maybe often too much.

Sometimes we get the titanium white that blanks out what otherwise might remain a visible mistake. Other times, the erasure comes from the blending of two colors, resulting in an undesired gray. Then there are the beautiful mistakes, mistakes that accidentally make the art perfect, by failure, by design.

I am near the edge of an unimaginably defined line, a brush stroke executed by the brilliant artist, one of the few beautiful mistakes. Time will mold and reshape me into what I suspect will be a work too satisfying, displayed, desired, and eventually complete.

There are so many things to look forward to.

I'm a new soul I came to this strange world
hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here
felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake.
-"New Soul" by Yael Naim

Labels: Art, contemplation, Self

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4.22.2009

These days I've been thinking too much... @ 12:02 AM

These days I've been thinking too much...

Sound waves reach my ears with such small effect that the roar of motorcycles at 3 am in the morning are whispers compared to the drone of heartbeats. Thud becomes more than an onomatopoeia but chants in half-realized dreams of waking hours spent in complete silence. Complete silence? Is not there another kind? When you hear thoughts so clearly, the firing of synapses are producing some orchestral battle of choices, how do you politely end the concerto?

Master conductor, who are you to dictate the music to my life? The fat lady begins to sing, and I interrupt so that she never finds the chance to finish.

Labels: contemplation, Random

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4.18.2009

Lawrence Hall Of Science @ 9:45 PM

Atop the Berkeley Hills sits Lawrence Hall of Science, whose parking lot, as many know, might have one of the finest views of the entire bay (and apparently a great date area at night). On a clear day, the horizon visibly stretches as far out as Alcatraz, the Golden Gate bridge, and beyond. If Alice in Wonderland had a museum, it would probably closely resemble the childlike yet beyond comprehensible style of this hall. Sure, kids could freely wander about, through Animal Grossology and Water Works, but "elders" can also lose themselves quite easily in the whimsical details and displays.

After visiting, I have come to the conclusion that my very own professors (and researchers, staff, etc) probably created Lawrence Hall of Science for their own enjoyment. I think (strongly) that they have found the answer, the secret of life- transforming themselves into kids at night and on weekends, while putting on the facade of professors and intellects during weekdays. They might probably even be the kids you see running around the parking lot and playing with exhibits in Lawrence Hall of Science. So the next time they talk about their "kids," they probably mean playmates.

:p

Labels: Berkeley, Childhood, Random

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4.13.2009

My Konstantine @ 9:55 PM

I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but i'm slipping inbetween
you and your big dreams
it's always you
in my big dreams

and you tell me that it's over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and your restless, and i'm naked
you've gotta get out
you can't stand to see me shaking
no
could you let me go?
I didn't think so

and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past
and you don't wanna look much closer
cuz your afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
and it did
because of me

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
and i'm sleeping in your living room
but we don't have much room to live

I had these dreams that i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that i could take you there
but dammit you're so young
well i don't think i care
and if i hurt you
then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy

then you bring me home
cuz we both know what it's like to be alone
and i'm dreaming in your living room
but we don't have much room to live

and konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesn't she look good
standing in her underwear
and i was thinking
what i was thinking
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere

my Konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do is touch her long blonde hair
and i've been thinking
it hurts me thinking that these nights
when we were drinking no they never got us anywhere
no

this is because i can spell konfusion with a k
and i like it
it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car
when the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star
isn't that what you said
what you thought this song meant

and if this is what it takes
just to lie in my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
and all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
it's 11:11
and now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine

konstantine, they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no, no, no no no no no no

this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
you know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby
you could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did you know i missed you? [x7]
oh god i miss you

and then you bring me home
and we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
you'll miss me in your living room
cuz these nights i think maybe that i'll miss you in my living room
we don't have much room
i said does anybody need that room?
because we all need a little more room
to live

My Konstantine

Labels: Musics, Outside, Random

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4.11.2009

I Want @ 11:00 PM

Reading Henry James' The Aspern Papers.

Alas, now I want to trade Berkeley for Venice, my car for a gondola, and a Saturday night for a warm summer dusk. I want to walk along the piazza in a red dress, catch the sight of well dressed men in plain view, speak in tongues of a romance language, and feel the burning desire to capture the flight of birds against the darkening sky.

I want...

Labels: Classes, contemplation, Random, Vacation

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4.08.2009

Oh, Brother, Sesame Street and Sex @ 6:20 PM

There were nights when the sounds of thunder and the slices of lightning would drive me to the the deepest of fears. What they were were ideas hidden in the dark, highly likely formed by irrational thoughts of untimely death. It was in this moment that I took comfort in the soft breathing of my younger brother, peacefully asleep as I struggled to catch the rhythm of the night and fall into slumber.

This was back when I was about seven, he was five. At night, he covered himself head to toe in a blanket, and would always somehow kick it off and wake up in the morning shivering. I slept soundly without a blanket, wake up entangled in one. We were different in every sense. He was always afraid of things lurking in the dark; I hated sleeping with any ray of illumination.

We aged and every birthday seemed to further mark this difference. I was dubbed the genius of the family, he, the poster boy of physical beauty. But we always got along, like the cliched yin and yang, left and right, moon and sun. He was my illumination.

I guess as I reached the double digits, I left him behind in the state of childhood, becoming too cool to watch the popular anime series and play video games. Things changed the moment he got taller than me and started to share the same inclination towards rock bands and rhythmic drum and guitar fusion. We were synchronized again, in the same page and actually very much alike.

Aging does that to you. I used to embrace every character and likeness that separated us from being the same child. Now, I get reminded frequently of our "twin-ness" by listening to bands and songs we share intense liking for. 45 days left. :)

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My English R1B GSI officially and traumatically ended what is left of my innocent views of childhood. Discussing in class Freud and his questionable belief that every repressed feeling and thought can be linked back to sex, the topic of Sesame Street was brought up. Sesame Street? Sex? What?! There is the Count's "Song of the Count" that some You Tube genius manipulated to bleep out every use of the word count by the Count. You can only imagine the giggling that ensued. Check it out yo!

Labels: Childhood, Classes, Internet, Random

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4.07.2009

Transuranium Elements c/o Berkeley @ 2:25 PM

I love that I can tell you my exact location using elements from the beloved Periodic Table.
This morning, Vanadium (element 23) and Selenium (34) were seated in the auditorium where Lawrencium (103) received his Nobelium (102) in Berkelium (97), Californium (98), Americium (95).

Thanks to the Cyclotron in the UC Berkeley Lawrence Laboratory, the collective efforts of Lawrence, Seaborg, Oppenheimer, and other physicists, I can proudly say that 12 elements were discovered and named by my school: Neptunium, Plutonium, Americium, Curium, Berkelium, Californium, Einsteinium, Fermium, Mendelevium, Nobelium, Lawrencium, Seaborgium.

How I covet a periodic table signed by Seaborg.

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Omegle: The Next Big Thing @ 1:14 AM

I have found the next big thing: Omegle.com is a site that allows you to chat with strangers without having to make a user name or anything. It's completely anonymous and you can give as much information as you want. You can log off or close a conversation anytime, and start a new one. Great for casual and very random convos.

The first conversation was pretty weird and short. The conversation died once I said that I wish I had a good joke to tell. :(

Anyway, I tried it again, and the second time talked to a person from Santa Monica, CA and who is currently a student at Washington University in St. Louis in Missouri. He is a 2nd year film major who recommended some some really cool movies! Thank you whoever you are! He also visited Berkeley last month, apparently knows some friends here. What a small world.

Network, Punch Drunk Love, Michael Clayton, Trouble in Paradise, Goodfellas, Trainspotting.

If you have seen any of it, holler! :) I'm always looking for great films. And now I tell you, visit Omegle. com. It's pretty awesome.

Labels: Internet, Random

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4.05.2009

Violence. Suicide, Homicide @ 3:34 PM

Man kills 5 children because wife was leaving.
Suicide bomber kills 22 in Pakistan.
Binghamton shooting rampage kills 14.

and that's just news this week.

Please, if you want to commit suicide, dig your own grave, and don't take others with you. You shouldn't even try to kill yourself in the first place. You have no business hurting people who appreciate life.

Labels: news

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Spiritual Journey? @ 2:54 PM

Someday, I would like to trace Jesus' steps.

Literally. In Jerusalem, from the Jordan River to Golgotha. To see the places he has been, walk the paths as many before me have done just to find the wind, the sun, the sands that still carry his trace.

It won't be a pilgrimage or act of devout worship. I think it will be more of a spiritual journey. Yeah, someday.

Labels: contemplation, Vacation

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4.01.2009

abstracts and randoms @ 2:58 PM

even the clock forgets
the minutes he has killed,
going in circles to erase tracks
of the murder.
The only indication of time
ever stopping
is the absence
of seconds.
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Why do you keep glancing-
my direction
your eyes have
so much to say-
bitter like a longing
sweet like a song
that casts an other worldly
gray
from eyes dilated,
clear,
solid,
gold.
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CONTEMPLATION
content-------contemplation
not-----------contemplation
in-------------contemplation
tempo,--------contemplation
plot-----------contemplation
a--------------contemplation
point----------contemplation
once-----------contemplation
met-----------contemplation
in------------- contemplation
time.----------contemplation

Labels: contemplation, Poems, Random

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