my nothing words, my every thought @ 6:21 AM

I've been restless, pacing back and forth, rearranging thoughts in my head in an endless attempt to find a more stable state. You know those stories about spontaneous combustion (yeah, I know, silly.), but it could happen to me sometime soon if I don't let this out, whatever it is that no words from any language or level of complexity can express. Well, maybe a poet's tongue, maybe an encyclopedia length book, maybe if I spoke 10 words per second and had about a week to say it. Or maybe if I could sit down long enough to write some 500 word entry with the best intentions and no reservations to say exactly how I feel.

I feel regret, I feel the words borrowed from fiction: "That’s been my problem. I miss what I already have, and I surround myself with things that are missing.” I'm running away from time, which is inescapable and downright unfair. I think in questions and somehow arrive at answers that every neurological connection derives from uncertainty and self-destructive imagination.

As of late, the first second of every waking moment jumps quickly to the thought of leaving, and the inevitable statement directed to myself, "damn it, I wish I could stay." The horizon I see is a negative empty space that looks as desolate as the spacial distance between the surface of the earth to the sun.

It get so bad, that every hello I say mentally projects the mirror image of a goodbye at the end. I want you, here, now, maybe for as long as forever if fate would have it. But what I really need is for you to say "hey, that empty horizon over there, it holds secrets that you'd be delighted to discover. Every person you've ever met, every emotion you've ever felt, all of that waiting for you to start walking toward it, and this is possible because that horizon, is still a place, not just an idea. Turn that fear of the unknown into curiosity."

God, I just need stability. I need certainty. I need tomorrow to meet today at a point where I'll be waiting, feeling okay.

Labels: contemplation, rant