8.23.2009
Looking Up @ 9:51 PMI think I know what we're looking for.
When I was little, I prayed for every chance to sleep under the stars. It's amazing, isn't it? To believe in things that we cannot even see. We're told that what's out there is unknown. And we learn to accept that these great things are so powerful, powerful enough to create a force of belief that radiate between humans and transcend the distance that eyes can perceive.
Then why do I look up and feel so lonely? Everything I know is down here, tugged by gravity onto solid ground.
What we're really looking for is for a friend who will see in the sky the same burned out stars and burning suns that we imagine and believe in. To look towards the same direction and create from doubt the imagination of all possibilities.
Labels: contemplation, Random
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9:51 PM
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8.16.2009
Peace out, Philippines @ 6:15 AMNot to outdo myself, but I as predicted, I started writing this
on a hammock (check)
using my laptop (check)
sipping a cold drink (check)
consumed by feelings of wanting to prolong time (and check).
Now I'm laying in my room, on my soon-to-be empty bed, listening to the hum of the air conditioner and feeling every bit of the hot summer air still.
And I have no words to describe this moment, except for maybe, this is life. I look forward to a tomorrow when I'll be able to call it wonderful again. :)
Labels: contemplation
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6:15 AM
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8.14.2009
my nothing words, my every thought @ 6:21 AMI've been restless, pacing back and forth, rearranging thoughts in my head in an endless attempt to find a more stable state. You know those stories about spontaneous combustion (yeah, I know, silly.), but it could happen to me sometime soon if I don't let this out, whatever it is that no words from any language or level of complexity can express. Well, maybe a poet's tongue, maybe an encyclopedia length book, maybe if I spoke 10 words per second and had about a week to say it. Or maybe if I could sit down long enough to write some 500 word entry with the best intentions and no reservations to say exactly how I feel.
I feel regret, I feel the words borrowed from fiction: "That’s been my problem. I miss what I already have, and I surround myself with things that are missing.” I'm running away from time, which is inescapable and downright unfair. I think in questions and somehow arrive at answers that every neurological connection derives from uncertainty and self-destructive imagination.
As of late, the first second of every waking moment jumps quickly to the thought of leaving, and the inevitable statement directed to myself, "damn it, I wish I could stay." The horizon I see is a negative empty space that looks as desolate as the spacial distance between the surface of the earth to the sun.
It get so bad, that every hello I say mentally projects the mirror image of a goodbye at the end. I want you, here, now, maybe for as long as forever if fate would have it. But what I really need is for you to say "hey, that empty horizon over there, it holds secrets that you'd be delighted to discover. Every person you've ever met, every emotion you've ever felt, all of that waiting for you to start walking toward it, and this is possible because that horizon, is still a place, not just an idea. Turn that fear of the unknown into curiosity."
God, I just need stability. I need certainty. I need tomorrow to meet today at a point where I'll be waiting, feeling okay.
Labels: contemplation, rant
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6:21 AM
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8.13.2009
Shatter and Break @ 11:16 PM
I feel like inside me,
the whole world is breaking,
breaking apart into continents
near the beginning,
after Pangaea,
before anyone ever realized
the shape of the world.
Or maybe it's just me that's breaking. And I know exactly why.
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11:16 PM
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8.12.2009
Love against the Night @ 6:30 AMIf tonight, the world can sleep
this restless shadow of mine,
awake,
will keep watch over you, love.
No sad lullabies of
sycamores and breeze
can lull a fluttering heart
to dream.
The days are clear as running water,
but the black night shall
rise in greed
to steal you in your sleep.
Stay.
We'll lay with a shroud,
covered in need of each other.
The warmth of cotton
will feel like the liberated
rays of the sun
the darkness has managed to erase.
Somewhere, we'll race
another twelve hours of the
watchful moon,
until, until, until
the night lets us go.
* * * * *
(I think I am slowly getting my poetic tongue back. :] )
Labels: contemplation, Poems
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6:30 AM
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8.06.2009
Relax and Recap and Relapse @ 9:54 PM[So apparently, everyday you learn something new. Today I learned and relearned a lot. ]
The heart has so much capability to love. You can give love away and get it back as easily like a perfectly thrown boomerang. You can let go of a bunch at once, in all directions, different speeds, varying distances.
I think I'm working on trying to be more optimistic? If life can't be objective, then you might as well take the place on stage with the best view.
The music I've been listening to screams profanity and anger, "fuck this, fuck that." Half the time, I don't even know what the lead singer's screaming about. We can all be dramatic. Live in a world of misplaced, broken, mirror-imaged antonyms. Today, I choose angry music, I choose mellow living, I choose happy thoughts.
I must be losing my mind (okay, this can mean three things), and maybe it does mean three things. All I know is that
1. I'm thinking crazier than ever.
2. Someone/place/thing else is keeping my thoughts.
3. My mind is maybe trying to run away from me.
Oh, and I'm borrowing this, because it sounds like bullshit and the convincing truth both at once:
"We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."
Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live
Labels: contemplation, Music, Random, rant
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9:54 PM
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8.05.2009
@ 9:26 PM
(the little praying mantis that landed on my Gatorade bottle, and had the nerve to play fight with me.)
Today I love,
sliced bananas on my morning's Coco Crunch and soy milk,
a silver moon, dilated as a pupil, hiding between clouds,
the baby lizard in my room that has managed to coexist with me,
Pablo Neruda's "If You Forget Me" poem
[...But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine...]
and feeling love.
currently playing: "Reunion" by Stars ("Tainted Love's too slow to dance to, so we'll leave them all behind")
Other recent musical acquisitions:
Bikini Kill
Peter Bjorn and John
Stars
No Doubt
Incubus
The Used
Spoon
The Noisettes
Portugal the Man
Barcelona
I'm thinking about auditing Filippenko's Astronomy 10 class just because I hear he's amazing, and of course, because it's astronomy.
If tomorrow the sun shines, I will trade in driving the Honda Civic for our Honda motorbike. This, I swear.
Labels: contemplation, Music, Random, Self